How to Communicate More Effectively

When you’re finding yourself having frequent conflicts, disagreements, or tense moments that don’t result in hearing each other and coming to a resolution, it can be helpful to think about the way that you are communicating. So often, the content of the conflict is not the issue; it is that way that the content is expressed. Here are some tips to communicate more effectively.

1. Slow down! Take a few deep breaths and think about what you want to say before expressing it. You are more likely to communicate better when you are grounded.

2. Assume best intention - assume that your partner means well unless proven otherwise.

3. Avoid always/never statements.

4. If you want/need something from your partner, tell them, and be specific (“I’m looking for advice/support/reassurance”). Do not assume that your partner can read your mind.

5. Use “I” statements ex. “When this happens, I feel…”

6. Give specific feedback ex. “I would like you to…”

7. Be willing to negotiate and meet your partner in the middle (relationships take compromise).

8. Be curious about your partner’s perspective and focus on understanding them (rather than crafting a counter argument).

9. Reflect back what your partner is saying to show that you understand their experience (ex. “So when this happened, you felt…”)

10. If you don’t fully understand your partner’s experience, ask questions to gain clarity. (Ex. Could you tell me more about this…?)

11. Even if you don’t agree, try to put yourself in their shoes and empathize with their experience. (“I can see why you felt that way).

12. When you notice the discussion escalating (yelling, shutting down), slow down and take a breath. If this is not enough to de-escalate, take a break to ground yourself.

13. Do not engage in name-calling, put downs (i.e. you’re so lazy/selfish), swearing at someone, gaslighting, threats, manipulation or intimidation. These are hurtful and create an emotionally unsafe environment.

14. Pick one topic to focus on at a time.

15. Be aware of your body language. Turn towards your partner, make eye contact.